Don't Give Up When You Fail - Get Up Instead
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Don't be discouraged by your flaws.
You can’t change into who you want to be until you accept who you are. It’s an easy statement to make, and most of us would be quick to say that we accept ourselves. If so, then I ask: why the whole hullabaloo about how to get prettier, thinner, have thicker hair, make more money, get a better girl, a better guy…blah, blah, blah? As I get older, I find out more and more about myself. Every day something pops up that makes me grimace and say, “Ugh.” When I was younger (and stupider), I used to get discouraged at the discovery of every flaw; not today.
I’ve started to see flaws as just something by which to be encouraged. Some of you out there are scratching your heads and wondering where I came up with that silly logic. Well, I see it this way: each flaw is a part of who I am. My goal in life is to become a better person, but with no flaws to work out, I’d have no goals to aspire to. I’d already be perfect (or at least I’d think I was), and I’d stop trying to be any better than I am today.
Find out where you are now.
That’s not going to happen. I’m going to spend each day moving toward something good, not running away from something that isn’t. These last few months have been hell inside my head, my heart, and my spirit. I’ve struggled to drag myself out of a grave dug by depression, anxiety, fear, and anger. I won’t stay at the bottom of this hole anymore. It’s dark, it’s cold, and it makes me feel as though I’m surrounded by hopelessness and despair. In short, it doesn’t fit. I am, if nothing else, terminally optimistic by nature. My whole person rails violently against hopelessness.
In many instances, I find myself thinking that it’s safer here. My eyes will never be burned by the sunshine of hope. My arms will never get tired from pulling myself out of the depths over and over. My heart will stay nice and safe because no one else would willingly crawl in here to hurt me.
Then I realize that the person thinking that way is not me. So, who am I? There are all these things I think I want to change about myself, but I have no idea who I am right now, in this moment. Unless I know that, how can I have any idea at all about who I want to become?
Find out who you are now.
So, folks, I’ve begun to discover who I am, and it’s been interesting to say the least. I’ve begun to discover what my talents are, where my strength lies, and where I falter. In some ways, it’s a great experience. In others, it’s challenging and scary. But, this much I can say: it’s certainly never dull!
I’ve also realized that there are ways to make it easier. There are tips that I’ve learned for making the most of this period of discovery and recovery. Here they are, and I hope they’re as helpful to you as they have been to me.
Move on to where you want to be.
- Accept that no one is perfect. Striving after perfection is ridiculously unrealistic. Strive instead after goodness, greatness, even excellence - but never perfection. You’ll find yourself missing the mark, usually, and that will discourage you from doing anything to improve.
- Accept that there is already good in you that must be fostered and developed and cherished. You are not bad. You are exactly who you are meant to be with gifts and talents that others may not recognize because you don’t put them out there to be seen.
- Reject the belief that everyone around you is better than you are. A person may make more money than you do, drive a better car, have an auspicious career, and appear to the world to have found the peak of their greatness. Horse hockey, I say. Inside every seemingly perfect person is the fear that their perfection is a hoax, and I would dare to say that it is. Other people struggle too. Their lives are not perfect. They have days when they’re afraid, anxious, and overwhelmed just like you do.
- Figure out what you love and what motivates you. Your job will always be miserable if you do what you hate. Trust me – Stan Fletcher says so right here. Find your passion. Find the one thing you can’t live without and do it. The doing is important, because if you don’t do it, you’ll be forced to do something else, and when we are forced to do something, we are rarely as productive as we would be doing something out of sheer love.
- Admit that you can be wrong. Admit that sometimes you say crappy things to people you love; you get impatient when you shouldn’t, and you get anxious when there’s no rational reason to do so. This doesn’t make you bad. It makes you human.
- Do what you know you can. Try to do those great things that you think you can’t. It’s amazing what comes about when we put actual and sincere effort into making our lives better.
- Do not give up when you fail. There are tons of great people in history who failed over and over. How did they become great? They never gave up. They got up on Tuesday after Monday’s failure and took another three steps to make up for the two they’d fallen back. Remember, you’re striving to become better, not perfect.
Never take a stop to mean you're finished.
None of us has fully achieved all that we can. That isn’t to say we don’t have it in us to do so. Keep moving, and you will one day arrive at the crossroads between who you are and who you hope to be. But, don’t feel discouraged if every now and then, you have to stop to reassess your current character and learn to accept that person. When you stop though, don’t get stuck and refuse to move.
Stopping should always be followed by starting again.
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It's a tough hurdle to overcome, Wes. I've been battling with that since I was young. And, I've never been close to perfect, that's why I've held onto the thought that I'm failing for so, so long. Gotta let that go now and move forward!
After spending most of my life spotlighting my faults, I now can see my strengths. Falling down is just a chance to get up and do it again-better.
Amen, Hyph. I should have just said that! But, then the hub would have been too short to publish. You definitely got it goin' on, my dear sister!
Hi Mo! What an awesome hub and great inspiration to many! A lot of us fall down and don't know how or just don't want to get back up again.
"Stopping should always be followed by starting again." Excellent quote and a great motivator! Voted up, up and away!!
Thank you so much, Dexter. It's really all stuff I've learned from experience as of late - and I think perhaps a little bit of inspiration from above. :-) Wow, I'm going to be quoted?!? How awesome is that?
Mo you are a philosopher. Your also wise in the ways of accentuating the positive and working the negative to your benefit where ever possible. Experience is a mighty teacher and you are a winner. Very well done Mo.
Alaster, thank you for the kind words. I don't know how much of a philosopher I am, but I do know that I am an experiential learner, and that sharing what you've learned with others (especially when it works!) is a must. I truly want to be the kind of person who focuses on the positive aspects of even the most difficult experiences. I'm so glad that's what you saw when you read this. :-) No sense in staying on the ground, right? There's too much to do, so you absolutely MUST get up again.
We start life knowing nothing. The learning process is a dynamic of failure and success. They are two sides of the same coin. You can never be there already. You have to make the journey if you want to get there.
May yours be full of love and joy. And may you relish every failure as the success it really will be when you learn from it.
Take life as an experiment. There are no failures only truths revealed. But it looks like you know that.
Voted up. ;)
Ooooh, I love that, Slarty. I'm going to put that on my bathroom mirror, darn it! "Take life as an experiment. There are no failures only truths revealed."
I know it - right now, I'm learning to really internalize it so that it becomes a part of me. Thanks for stopping in. Now get to writing! ;-)
MO - I just love the messages you send. This hub is perfect! Lol seriously though - I do accept that I am flawed and so is everyone else. It's a great relief when you see that alone. Its easier to forigive yourself and others when you think that way.
You are a beautiful writer MO! Keep it up - I'm your fan forever!
Thank you, Kel! I appreciate your fan-dom forever! ;-) A lot of these messages have been coming as I work my way through this recovery - which is turning out to be more painful and take longer than I thought it would. But, overall, it's moving and I'm growing, and that's all that matters. :-)
Hi Mo, to encapsulate what you've said here purely at face value, would be to oversimplify both the issues and the solutions, ie: at face value people would say "Sure, Mo, it's all in that song, you know the one, 'Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again'. Too easy".
But, for those of us to whom the black dog of depression is a daily companion, simple homilies like that can present their own difficulties. Mainly of the self-loathing kind, ie; "If it's that easy, why am I so incapable of just doing it?"
Years ago, during a period of intense cognitive therapy, I was given an insight by my shrink that gave me a new perspective on depression. He used to laugh out loud at a lot of what I said, not in a derisive way, but because it strenghened his view that there's a discernible thread that links depression, perspective, creativity and humour. He felt that the world would be a poorer place if not for the unique way that many chronically depressed people view life, coupled with an ability to express that view with wryness, wit and humour. (It's certainly true of many of the people who make me laugh, or feel something).
If you accept that, it then links to your point about not just recognising your flaws, but about actively valuing them. If the price of depression is offset by a 'special ability' to convey the human condition in a unique way, from a different perspective, and to bring a smile; maybe it's worth seeing it as a gift and not a curse..? That's what I've tried to do ever since that insightful session. It's what you're doing too.
Which means an affirmative alternative for your bathroom mirror could be, "Blessed are those who are cracked. For they are the ones who let in the light."
Ah, WO, you always make me think just a little bit harder about what I've said...and I'm currently in the process of embracing my flaws (much as they annoy me), and learning to love them for all the reasons you mentioned above. I'm actually starting to wonder if they're flaws at all. :-)
Nice and inspirational idea and advice you actually shared in here which really inspired me a lot especially now that it looks as if am always loosing and depressed. Thanks Big Aunty for really writing this article,its like you wrote for me and i appreciate this work a lot.
Sun-Girl, what a beautiful and heartfelt compliment! Thank you so very much! Just keep moving and know that you never fail unless you give up! Be blessed! :-)
Right on Mo - and never look back:)!
We're right on that same wavelength, Real! Keep moving forward and don't look back!
It's harder than it sounds thought, isn't it?
Way harder - but worth every ounce of effort as far as I'm concerned. I think it's important to understand your past, but not to dwell in it or on it. It's what it is and it can't be changed. I read the other day that "Our past is a point of reference, not a point of residence."
I thought it was the most amazing bit of wisdom I'd seen in a long time.
Very inspirational. I will be the first to admit that in the past 13 years, I have not been able to accept who I am. I have tried to move past but something always stops me... striving for the life that I dreamed I would have when I was younger... only I didn't achieve it. This is a great kick in the pants.
You seem that with your discoveries you have gotten much stronger and much wiser. I hope others are able to follow in your steps as well... and take a step forward and remember to start again!
Ah, BBG, it's a never ending process I think - but that's the beauty of it really. Constant self-discovery and a constant opportunity to strive to be better. It just seems to me that we all give up too easily. That's the reason that most of us tend to be more unhappy than we reasonably should be.
Just don't give up - keep moving through the obstacles and continue to try. Eventually, we reach the goals. We may not be where we want to be until the end, but we'll get there if we keep moving.
I keep thinking of Finding Nemo where Dorey comes along and says "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." Step forward and eventually you will hit your goals. For me, the last couple years have been really bad because every step forward resulted in two steps back. It seemed self defeating. Luckily for me, right now I have the time to dive into my writing which really helps evaluate myself and do some soul searching of my own. Sometimes it helps, other times it doesn't. But together - we are much stronger! We all need a support group and through my writing I have found one... just keep swimming... just keep swimming :)
Agreed - and Dorey is my favorite from that movie. And, here's the way I look at it, if you keep moving, failure can't catch you. :-) We'll ALL support you the best that we can. So, just keep swimming! :-)
Oh I like that.... run faster cause failure has a slow pace.... lol... I feel bad... I feel like I am poking fun of failure. I wonder how he feels... :)
Screw that! Failure is a bastard who needs to be taken down a notch. Poke fun all you want.
I try to learn from the mistakes of others, in addition to paying attention to my own. I obtained my most critical (life-changing) lessons-learned from the mistakes of my father and grandfather (both, God rest). Thanks for the Hub. Sean
You know, Sean, I think that's a genius piece of advice as well! I've also learned a great deal from the mistakes of my parents, my friends, and other folks in my family.
Thanks for sharing some additional wisdom. Peace! :-)
You are a very wise woman MO at a very young age. I have to keep "getting back up" for the past few years. Kinda sucks! It's taking a toll on my knees . . . Thank goodness I can see glimpses of light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks for this well written, inspirational piece of work!!!
Sharyn
Sharyn, thank you! I'm so glad you were able to take something from it. My knees are a little sore too, sister. But, these days, you can always have knees replaced if necessary! ;-)
Many people give up on your task at the first failure just because they believe in themselves
scott, I'm going to presume that you mean because they don't believe in themselves, in which case I do agree. But, sometimes you have to simply get up every time you fall and do it again.
Thanks for stopping in. :-)
In an interview with yesterday's London Times, Arianna Huffington said 'Failure is not the opposite of success. It's stepping stone to getting there'. Brilliant - and almost as inspirational as your hub! Thank you.
Thank you, Temirah! Those are kind words indeed. I'm grateful that you found this hub inspirational. I'm finding the words to be a bit prophetic in my own life as well.
Thanks for stopping in and for sharing such high praise. :)
A couple years ago I told my partner about my small home publication business that I wanted to fund another logo design firm operating in the same street. And I remember saying I wanted my business to succeed or else you and I have to part ways. He agreed with me. Actually I was being conservative. I'm hoping it might be as much as a half being successful. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could achieve a 50% success rate? Glad if it did. Another way of saying that is that half of us are going to die if we were not careful. Phrased that way, it doesn't sound good at all. In fact, it's kind of weird when you think about it, because our definition of success is that the we wanted to get rich quickly. If half the startups we fund succeed, then half of you are going to get rich and the other half are going to get nothing.
BTW, the other firm was doing terribly that time so it stood no better reason but to sell the business to us….It was like this, If you can just avoid dying, you get rich. That sounds like a joke, but it's actually a pretty good description of what happens in a typical startup. It certainly describes what happened in our situation. We avoided dying till we got over the deal, brought the company and made profit.
It took us more than 3 years of sheer determination to come to the stage I mentioned. Most of the time we were rejected even though the firm was doing badly. We never gave up. We kept pushing positively until we got it.
If we gave up the first and second time we were our offer was turned down, we would never have success we see now.
A great hub. It’s very useful and please write more of such a hub. This sort of hubs go a long way to help humanity.
Thanks for sharing and voted up.
Cheers
Ian
Hi, Ian. Thanks for stopping by! It's true that it takes a great deal of determination to become a success. I appreciate your kind words. :)
This is so true. Many people are afraid to try because of the "mistakes" made in the past. Many of us were inculcated by our parents, relatives, and teachers that one must have a clean slate in order to succeed in life. We are also told that mistakes could be costly.
There are some parents who indoctrinate their children that it is a mortal sin to fail. If the child fails, instead of being encouraged to try again, he/she is harangued by his/her parents that he/she is incompetent and a failure. This, of course, causes the child to be somewhat risk aversive. He/she becomes hesitant and is cautious before trying anything again. Yes, mistakes are inevitable and should be embraced. After all, mistakes are lessons to be learned in our lifepaths.
I agree, gmwilliams. I'm thankful to have had parents who never, ever belittled me for a failure, and my family of choice as I've aged has also been incredibly encouraging and supportive. Human beings are imperfect creatures and it is never a question of IF, but rather WHEN we will fail. Ultimately, the only true failure is to never be willing to try again. I heard once that one should never be discouraged if they felt they were going through hell - as long as you're going through it, you're not trapped in it. So keep moving.
Thanks a bunch for stopping in and commenting.
Wesman Todd Shaw 11 months ago
Yes, trying to be perfect is a major problem for some people - it really is. Most folks might not have that problem, but in my family, people drop out of a college class because the disagree with the instructor about whether or not that ONE answer on a test should have been marked wrong or not. . . .it's a real problem.
Luckily - that wasn't MY issue in going to school, I was more interested in the scenery. . . .than being perfect.
But I have my own perfection issues, or at least I used to. Could be that I still have them, but haven't realized where they are hiding yet.